Dinosaurs Return (The Age Of The Big Box Monster)

17 09 2007

Scott Rex

By Jill Ettinger

Some time before Jesus arrived and after the aliens left, big giant gnarly reptile monsters roamed the earth. They were pretty much alone most of the time, so no one knows exactly everything they did, but it seems like mostly they just chilled, walked (stomped) really far and rued their nemesis, King Kong. Some were pretty cool, ate grass and leaves, and eventually hung out with cave people like Fred Flinstone. Others were hedonistic killers that spit fire and ate their herbivorous cousins.

Eventually all dinosaurs mutated into other forms. Some died off completely, but some nice ones became puppies, kitties and cows. (Still in question: Barney.) The evil ones came back as folks like Genghis Khan, Hitler and Dick Cheney. A few even had incarnations as lead singers for Van Halen. Now, if we did DNA tests, we could absolutely prove that the most nefarious to date of all the ancient gargantuan lizards has reincarnated into Lee Scott, CEO of Wal-Mart, and his Walton descendent “associates” at the world’s largest retailer.

You might be thinking that Scott is far too polished to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex or Velociraptor, but I assure you, he is. It’s called evolution. See, these monsters have been around a long, long, long, long, long time, therefore they’ve become much more adept at surviving. They used to need to be really big with sharp teeth and claws, but that’s no longer practical, as there is less space on the planet and airlines make you buy an extra seat. When you’re that large, it’s really just a huge hassle. And, since Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video, people just don’t scare as easily as they used to. (Until they watch reruns of “Family Ties,” that is.)

So, for the most part, in order for the oldest evil creatures on the planet to come out of extinction, they’ve had to “tone down” their hideous ferocity. For example, instead of ripping off bunny heads with their teeth, these soul-less monsters can now just inhibit the salaries and benefits of capable workers who are forced to work at Wal-Mart because it ate up their former place of employment. And since Chinese children really have no use for school or fun or safety, making them slave away for eighteen hours a day in a toy factory is a pretty easy way to ensure that monsters like Scott will be able to still cause gruesome suffering, but you know, in a “modern” way.

It is a common misconception that dinosaurs once roamed the entire earth. They did not. They only roamed MOST of it. Well, thanks to their crafty evolution coming back as Scott and the Wal-Martians, they are poised to “finish what they started.” No need to panic though, we still have a whole twenty-five, maybe thirty years, before they completely dominate the planet.

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